Sounds from within...

She stares into the familiar eyes, recognizing none.
The same face, same lips, same hair, yet she acknowledges none.
There she stands looking through the mirror into an image created by another,
Another, as mundane as a grain of sand, but not by The Sculptor.

Please let the mirror talk back, please let it show you how beautiful you are.
Untainted by others' opinions, untouched by criticism.
Let us not let anyone else decide who we are,
Let us not let ourselves get lost.

We are who we are, will be who we wish to be.
Let us not let a stranger, let alone a man,
Make us see someone else in the glass,
Let us decide, for once and for all, to define our own reflection.

This Blog is part of the Men Say No Blogathon, encouraging men to take up action against the violence faced by women.

More entries to the Blogathon can be read at www.mustbol.in/blogathon. 

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The Hollow

In the making...

A bemused self looks within,
Having heard a bit too much, the new-found silence seems unnerving.
Yet cocky me has hope.

Hope for words of pearls to tumble out,
Hope for blood and tears to spill...

Hope for far fetched reactions to potential nothing.


Someday the chatterbox shall come back...
or so I hope.

Words are in the making... they will be made soon.

A MEMORY

How can a person survive a stroke and live with severe impairments for over twenty years?
How can a person engage little children in conversation without the faculty of speech? With mangled hands and a broken body… with sounds imperceptible…?
My childhood memories are filled with Chakravarty Dida’s presence. A friend of my grandmother, I have never seen her walk on her own or to even form legible words with her paralyzed lips.
The stroke that she suffered from left her speechless, incapable of using her fingers and thus, hands, and hardly able to walk on her own. Always on a walking stick, or frame and then finally on wheelchair, I’ve never seen a stronger lady than her.

The brave soul that resided in that broken body was infectious with her charm and energy and her exuberant nature that rubbed off on us pretty easily. Little kids 4 – 5 yrs old, our inhibitions towards her would melt away with the very first gesture of her face, inviting us to have a little chat. Many a times we needed help from her family members to translate the illegible sounds that she made… which were generally questions on our health and family. So on and so forth I grew up with her as a constant part of my life, no longer in need of a translator, I could strike up a conversation easily.. a bit emphatically and loudly but we managed it well.

How ironical life is, the able bodied people around you would never become a constant and yet this shriveled up woman, degrading right in front of your eyes would become a source of inspiration just for her resilience.

The woman who whooped every time I drove the car, even after a year of my very first day of driving, the woman who helped me to hide the peas that I stole from their kitchen, the woman who taught me the lesson on the need and how to maintain knowledge about neighbors, lies dead just two houses down.

I’ve never seen a body more broken, as if she finally gave in to death, her sole enemy for the past 20 years, and yet I ask was death her enemy? Did it not just give her respite from the pain that she went through every second of her life?
An answer I shall never find, and yet assuming for the best… I still cry like a baby lamenting for the loss of that constant in my life who had loved me and cared for me and had supported and inspired me without even talking to me. This silent bond can never be defined, and now I shall never be able to experience it anymore either.

I write this obituary for her in vain, knowing fully well that no one would read it, it provides no solace to anyone, it is not an obituary but a heart-shattering wail that rises from the bottom of my heart, unmatched by the storm outside, and these imperfect words are all that I could gather to make some sense out of this senseless grief.

Dying Away

My body bleeds today
The blood drips away
Drop by drop I lose life
The heart beat is fading away

Drip drip drip drip...
The vulgar innocent sound
The monotony puts me to sleep
The sound interrupts my dreams

A picture of a child
A snapshot of a house
A life lived ages ago
All snap back into my mind

I see no vultures
Those which are swooping around.
I see no rodents
Those which are scuttling behind.

I feel my flesh tearing away
The sudden burning sensation
Is it sudden or was it constant?
Who cares, I know I'm being devoured.

I stay still, obsolete
My limbs fail to move
All the energy is channelised one way
All being saved for a memory.

The child was me once
Once I was a child
I owned a house once
Once a home was called mine

No more, no more
Nothing exists anymore
I have lost all
All is lost now

My body was the only asset
I had owned for a very long time
Now even that is being torn away
Inch by inch, drop by drop at a time.

I

I drop down, and down,
and down and down
till nothing lower exists.

I sink lower and lower
and lower and lower
till nothing remains to sink into.

I shed tear after tear
after tear after tear
till the whole world is dried up.

I wait in line on and on
and on and on
till I am the last to die out.


II

Am I Eve, I wonder
The first on Earth
The first to create

Have I been cursed yet, I wonder
To partake of the apple
To pay heed to Satan

Am I God's own creation, I wonder
To feel unloved, uncared for
First in line for retribution.

Am I jealous, I wonder....
of Adam really??
Who has what I have not
Or what he has not of what I have

Maybe, just maybe,
He has not what I have
So he has the Love of god
While I have not what he has.


III

I laugh and cry
At a moment's notice
Like a child I am they say

I cry when I'm hurt
I laugh when loved
Like a human I am I say

The light amuses me
The dark is frightening
I shriek and I cry when scared
I'm not what I am, the world says.


IV

I read a lot, Yes ma'am I do,
I keep myself updated
No one's as educated
Like me I know I do!

I see rich cars and bike
One day I'll be like them
Turn on the A/C, roll up the glass,
For now I stand amidst the human mass.


V

Am I upset, am I sad?
No no, I'm inspired,
So they say

Fight, give back,
strive, donate.
They say.

I try to balance between
A fighter and a God
I am a survivor, I say.

The Midnight Wayfarer

I wonder why the sun sinks
I wonder why does the moon follow
Why can't the moon rise
And let the sun follow?

The molten sky drips to silence
The merriment of all ends with the day
Shouldn't I go off to sleep, lament the end?
Why does my heart begin to sing?

The darkness eats us whole
Everyone within gets lost
I find my freedom within
My calling comes to me at last!

The day bleeds into the night
Life gets transformed.
It follows like the clouds in the sky,
Collects in the moon, dreams, and my life!

The Liability

I breathe, I sacrifice,
I see, I die;
I live a life full of moderations
I wish to die uncompromised.

Isn't the lack of wings enough?
Or the lack of divinity fill our fill?
Why then do we need to prove our mortality
Through compromises and through sin?

My mother says, she says it all.
Silences are powerful, "Don't burst into giggles!!"
Oh! How did my days of games
Got washed away in a bath of blood!

Is it me? Or is it her?
Who dwells in me,
Surrounds and suffocates me,
I gasp for breath endlessly.

Not to worry, I'll soon realise,
One day, I promise I'll learn by heart
That I'm Me, me is She, she is Her,
And Her is me.

Notes from Law School

Life in full bloom
Flowing with a pleasant force.
Just lay your ears against the floor,
You hear it whirring past.

Oh! How cruel can man be?
Talking of life no longer to see?
Sans emotions, sans feel
On a platter we deliver relief.

Eye of the storm I am,
Calm, cool and composed.
The world is flying around
hapless, helpless, powerless...

And I sit here on my horse
High up high I seat,
Calmly I take a bow
To the life's mysteries!

The class is in session,
The speaker at the podium
Thrice notes written
Speech for the n-th time
Twice not heard per second
Six minus seventeen times heard and swallowed

The words float around,
Aimless, into the open
Confined by four walls and floor and ceiling
Outlets of windows and doors, a relief!
Arjun lost in sights unseen inside,
Eklavya prying through the keyhole.

Bloodhsed

The door wants blood.
Its blood that provides proof of want
and the green wine intoxicates the bloodless!
The rush is not heard inside, just grumbles;
The grumbles never come to strain to hear outside.

Thats That!!

Empty,
from within
in front of me,
Empty

people say I can,
I have the potential,
its a blank slate,
I can fill it up!

empty
blank
nothing
in front of Me
within Me


People said its too late
hopeless
i don't deserve it
i can't.


empty
all i see...
all i feel...
nothing
blank...


waiting...
for the stimulus to open me up,
to let it fill me...
make me whole!
a Union a Communion
a Holy Purgation
like an orgasm.
but when?
and how do i make myself wait?

i am empty
i am blank
A slate to write on
But who weilds the pen?
some said I did...
but now, its clear!
I wait for The One
who wields the answers
like a sword,
not to heal.... but to hurt!!

They Walked Away

here i stand
with hopes bubbling in me
i have dreams
and fantasies.
i feel the moment has come,
the revelation,
the time for the flight,
but then...
they walked away


here i am labouring,
panting so hard,
i'm sure they can hear me
i'm sure they are impressed,
here i stand
awaiting the results,
the victory! finally at my feet
and yet,
they walked away...

there i stand
disappointed,
dejected,
head in my hands
consoling myself,
sobbing into my own palms.
Waiting for the support
i see her coming,
walking straight at me
i see a warm smile,
an understanding look.
I know i have found my support
i know now i can recover,
i know one day i'll fly again.
And yet....

Waiting for coffee........

shifting, shuffling, shifting, standing,
scratching, swatting, shifting,
standing, standing, standing......

body alert!!
ready to pounce!!
falling passive,
jerked back to life.

shifting, shuffling, shifting, standing,
scratching, swatting, shifting,
standing, standing, standing...

timer's ticking...
light's about to flash...
its done!!
Not yet, not yet.

shifting, shuffling, shifting, standing,
scratching, swatting, shifting,
standing, standing, standing...

wars have been fought,
deads resurrected...
judgement bestowed.
Not yet, not yet.

I wait, you wait
side by side,
for an eternity,
waiting for coffee!!

shifting, shuffling, shifting, standing,
scratching, swatting, shifting,
standing, standing, standing...

I'm a blank canvas,
Ready to be written on,
After everything's said and done,
I wash myself till I'm blank again.

I provide warmth against the cold,
Company to the solitary,
Sympathy to the grieving,
Yet I stand here alone.

I'm the enemy he has to conquer,
I'm the love he has to earn,
I'm the slave he has to master,
Am I his wife?
A mistress he has to count off.

---Undefined---

i knew, wen i ws born,
i had a feeling, i ws surrounded,
warm like a blanket,soft like feathers,
assuring, through my mother.

i learnt pretty soon,
i'm capablecapable of recieving, of spreading,
with a smile, with a kiss,
with one word, with nothing at all.

age of innocence faded away,
left behind a lesson for life,
a dark alley is always dangerous,
but darkness is not.

light comes becuase its dark,
enveloping me, protecting me,
pinching me, biting me,
strangling me till i breath no more.

i try to run away,
haunting shadows on the wall,
i find myself in the dark alley again,
scared i run, just to find a friend hidden.

what is it?
protects me to kill me?
i know i'm not alone,
the world's with me.

some say it sets them free,
some see happiness through it,
some die for it, some live for love,
i, i see life...

Wings Of Change

Someone someday sang Wings of Change,
What did he say, I don't know,
What I know, that I grew wings,
I was flying on Wings of Change.

Time is constant, time ticks by,
Sand in the hourglass shuttles on eternally,
Tick, tock-tick, tock-tick,
Time is constant even when it flies by.

Words of wisdom come to my mind,
Everything changes. Nothing stays the same,
Change the only constant in life.
And I learnt that we fly on Wings of Change.

Onwards I fly on my Wings of Change,
My wings have no feathers; only time.
Like a digital clock, the numbers roll by,
And I keep on flying on my Wings of Time.

Amazing experience, flying is,
A thrill of a lifetime, maybe for lifelong.
When I go up, I'm happiest of all,
When I swoop down, my heart stands still.

I look around me, and I see people,
With similiar expressions like mine on their faces,
To me they look stagnant, but soon I realize,
With me they are flying on their Wings of Change.

Life goes on like a series of pictures;
Life is a quest for loved ones,
Some may find many, some find none,
As they fly by on their Wings of Change.

Does anyone realise that they are flying?
Do they know they have Wings?
"Yes!" comes a voice in my mind,
"They all know, what you know,
They know they are flying on Wings Of Change!"

"Oh!" the voice says, "Man is a man of a moment,
My Wings and man have a love-hate relation..." and the voice fades away,
We are all oppurtunists, always looking up,
As we fly by on our Wings of Change.

I know I'm flying on Wings without feathers,
With the digits on reverse, running out, running out,
But I want to stay here for a moment,
Stand with my feet on the ground,
Before I fly on, on my Wings of Change.

SILENCE

Silence is beautiful; silence is dangerous… silence is what one craves for; silence is what one runs away from. Silence soothes one’s soul; silence induces turbulence in one’s soul.
Silence placates one busy mind; silence scares one busy mind.
Silence makes you sane; silence makes you insane.

What is silence? Absence of sound? Or just absence? Is silence brought on by solitude? Or is it brought on in the midst of a crowd? Is silence just an absence of sound? Or is it the absence of thoughts, of emotions, of life?

What is silence? A boon or bane? A person who can hear... craves for silence; a person who is deaf… does he crave for sound? Or is he satisfied with the silence?

What is silence? A state of mind? Do we hear silence? Or is it the lack of hearing?

Silence drives one mad… makes him an outcast… throws him out of the society’s cage. Silence drives one mad… includes him in the society of elite… traps him in a cage… cage of his mind, his thoughts? Or maybe in the abscess, where thoughts are supposed to be.

Silence for one is reassuring; silence for one is unnerving.
The silence after a fight calms one down; the silence aggravates one more.


What is silence? What does it mean? When do we realize absolute silence?
When there is absence of sounds? Or when there is absence of thoughts? Or both?

Silence brings the warning of an upcoming storm; silence brings in the confirmation of the waning of that very storm.

What does silence mean? Does it try to say something? How can it say something? If it does… then is silence silent anymore?

BURNING BRIDGES

Standing alone in midst of swirling fog... a year, an era, coming to a close..
I look up into the vast sky... trying to spot something I know...

Someone once said that a year ends the very same way as you started it... did I start my year this way?

It was year of travelling... visited a lot of hearts... made friends and met people.... made a lot of bridges... the whole year I kept on building bridges.. never once did I cross any..

Now the year is coming to a silent end; a year full of busy days... a year when I felt I accomplished a lot... a year when I built bridges a lot..

I realised half of my bridges are destroyed... from lack of use... Some of them are burning.... While some are still standing... but I'm not crossing them... they creak of unuse... they don't know my footsteps...
The doors to the hearts on the other end might be closed.... might not be closed??
Still I stand on this island... in the midst of swirling thoughts and I wonder...

Did it end the way I started?
Was it a year full of busy days?
Was it a year full of accomplishments?
What did I accomplish?

A few burning bridges?

Its Not The Way Its Meant To Be

"They say that love is in the air... but never is it clear;

How To Pull It Close And Make It Stay!!"

Heavily inspired by Sheryl Crow n Sting!! a deadly combo.... I try n make sense of thoughts swirling around in my mind!!

How true... ifff Love is in the air.. then why do we have to work soooo hard to keep our love.. or our loved ones close by???

Why do we suffer so in Love?? Some say LOVE and SUFFERING go hand in hand.. Why??

Why are tears associated with the most beautiful emotion in the world?? Why aren't we allowed to believe in FAIRY TALES?? Why do we have to have the REALITY BITES??

It brings back a few more line from Hoobastank's The Reason;

"I've found a reason for me

To change who I used to be

A reason to start over new

And the reason is you"

Why do we need to change?? Can't we find Love without changing?? Why wouldn't someone love us for what we are?? Why do we need to change?

Maybe because to experience LOVE we need to know what it is to be without LOVE.. n for that we need to suffer for LOVE....

Maybe its just like to know light you have to know darkness....

Maybe like a friend once wrote.... "There is happiness in grief just as there can be pain in pleasure and hatred in love. " n Pain in Love.....

Well one thing is clear... that the very concept of Love is elusive.... so many poets; philosophers; song writers have tried to catch it... but like a clever "butterfly" it flies away...

leaving us far behind to wonder....

Maybe its just not meant to be.... maybe Love's not in the air... maybe its not supposed to stay with us.. maybe......

But this isn't how its really meant to be.... its supposed to be easy.... then why do we wonder so?

Deja Vu ------- with a twiSSt

Always talked about deja-vu..... also thought that I had had my share of experience.... but never I would have believed to relearn the meaning of this weird word!!!

And like any good Indian citizen.. i have watched my share of bollywood movies.... and from the experience of their jhatkas n matkas..... I swear that today I experienced deja-vu wid a twist!!

Well the day started off in a most ordinary fashion wid me gettin swept off my feet.. not by some handsome hunk; but due to my bathroom slippers... wich became rather slippery!!! not a fall to glorify about... so i move onn...
hoping to meet medhavi wid her almost mini computer (an i-pod ppl... wid 20gb memory!!) i went late to college... n found her all teary eyed n worried!!! trusst me... two years wid medzy n i never saw her sooo worried... n the expression looked familiar to me!!
well the reason was good enuf.... she lost her phone!! thus began my deja-vu..... i too had lost my phone earlier this year.... n thus the familiar expression!! so my tryst with similiar events began.... calling the lost phone from frnd's number.... calling parents n getting a good dosage of not really needed scoldings.. etc etc...

what really brought something new to this event was wen we started off for the HUNT for the right temple for justice..... n the hunt is for sure a thing to remember... it began wid a fierce haggling with autowaalas.. who had all turned into hardhearted money making ppl..... n this continued till the end of the day.... 5 autos that we sat in; had d same course of events.... asking for too much price n then wen agreeing to something near our comfort warning that they'll not go all the way wid us.. but drop us before our destinatn!! one went so far that he refused to accept the money that we were handing out (ofcrse it was 10rs short of wat we had agreed upon!!)

This day also included some wrong informations.. like where exactly does the street opposite to our college fall.. i mean into wich jurisdiction.... we went to one police station to another.. n apparently the college fell into one jurisdiction while the street right outside fell into the other... so ofcourse a matter of great concern... so a warning for all.... iff u r in our college n dying make sure u run towards the street.. coz dat i knw for sure is in defence colony jurisdctn.. but not our college campus!!!

apart from all this.... another blow that we had to suffer in our quest was the realisation that no matter in which century we live in... our condition is the same as in the era of Adam n Eve (ok a bit exaggerated... but its all justified really) coz we discovered that no matter we are using satellite phones.. bluetooth devices.. but our phone cant be traced!! apparently everything is illegal in your attempt to search for your phone... apart from stealing ofcourse!!!

so by the end of the day.. two completely deranged n confused people returned home.. one obviously sad.. while the other still wondering was it deja-vu... or a completely different; mind boggling experience!!

oh but by the way!! even through this all... we two adventurers are not sure whether our quest wud be fruitful or not... so wid a hope in my heart i end dis loooong discourse!!